LOVESICK

Panic Buying (?)

2012-02-05T16:39:00.007+08:00

This week's haul. Partly because the week was terrible I needed to keep my sanity intact. And well, of course, because I love. Books. Er.

The week was so terrible. And I mean it difficult, with all the drama and mistakes. If not for them, these, I have no idea what I could have done. Seriously. One of the worst weeks ever. And seriously, that deserves a separate post.

The week was so terrible but I decided that it ended well. Because lucky, I was. I found Yates and Mowat lying just around the corner of that secondhand bookshop. I finally bought The Sandman Volume 1: Prelude and Nocturnes, and did not care how much. Only a few days after, I found Yates and Mowat again, in a different place but in a same shelf. So I thought, OMG life is good, after all. HAHA! Babaw lang. :)

All I have to do is read them all. But starting could be terrible, too.

Bring it on!

How can a stupid cellphone ruin a friendship?

2012-02-01T17:59:00.002+08:00

It's when it falls on the owner's hands. More like.

The issue is all but troubling. With the threats of ending a friendship just like that. Like, when someone hits the send button disclaiming himself from the group, does he think everyone will gladly accept?

Really, it's been a long time since someone angered me like this. I am so upset.

Let me tell you, I tried to take it the other way. To be understanding for friendship's sake. I tried not to ignore the calls, and occasionally replied to his messages.

But what he did was too much. Even ridiculous to the point of indigestion. Since he got his hands on a cellphone recently, he brought no good to everyone. He kept on texting and calling even when we're busy with our lives, like, when we're in the middle of classes or work.

Granted, maybe he's having a hard time on his own. Maybe all he needed was someone to talk to.

But maybe this person lacks concept of individuality and personal space, too.

You might ask, what good of me as a friend to refuse him of the comfort he needed? What good were the years spent together to be thrown away like that? I admit, I am not the friend one would wish to have, but I know I can be good. And I know the limitations.

I'm sorry for the bad words I said, but I am not sorry I got mad.

I just hope you would understand that, and please, don't be so shallow next time around. No one here is a perfect friend. Even a perfect friend can't be there every single time. We didn't mean to leave you. You go figure out things on your own.

Everyone here is struggling just as you do.

Jumpstart

2012-01-03T23:16:00.002+08:00

Happy New Year!

As much as I want to start the year right, I must admit that the past few days have been a turmoil. My head is literally a mess right now, well, as every year-ender evokes a lot of thinking, a lot of reminiscing and if not, a little bit of regretting. Rewind three hundred sixty seven days and you find yourself awestruck by how fast the time has gone and how so many things have happened. But really, how well did we fare?

My 2011 was life-changing. This year, I got my college degree, did a little bit of waiting before finally finding a decent job. I am working for seven months now, while I enjoy the pleasures of travelling and salary, I still miss school. In fact, I miss school sooooooooooooo much. There were moments when I seemed to make up my mind, that I would quit my job and enroll for a language course (as a part of my birthday plan). It was so tempting I nearly lost control. I wish I can be a student forever. Anyway, I can sum up the year's happening with just three: I made a lot of plans, went through adjustments and felt a bit of frustration. But at least, 2011 has been pretty good to me, and for that, I can never be thankful enough.

Sure, there were things to leave and things to keep, and hooray for the new year, we can do whatever business we ought to do. Now is the chance for a major overhaul. The OC inside me tells that I should clear my mind first before sorting out the mess (and I mean: my things, clothes and shenanigans) I made the past year. So, here again is a list. I resist calling them resolutions, should I call them plans? To do's this 2012? Ah, whatever. Shoot.

1. Pray every night. Of course, I do pray for meals and the day's journey, but as of late, my night's prayers have become much shorter. I must find time to reflect like I used to, and I mean really reflect, and this I can do with a willpower to overcome the fatigue that knocks me out everyday.

2. Read classics. Read the unpopular. I have been accustomed to buy books of mere popularity- just because I saw them on my friend's page or heard they were good. Worse, my readership has relied too much on TV and movies. Yah know what I mean.

I do not count the number of books and/or how well the authors are known to measure how readers be judged readers enough. Not so long ago, I stumbled upon Sasha Martinez's blog (silverfysh.wordpress.com), and I was amazed by how she can pull off several books a month and review them thoroughly. I am not even worth her toenail when it comes to being a reader. Her authors' names were strangers to me, and strangers still, so I guess, this year, I must visit secondhand bookshops more often.

3. Soulsearch. Again. This has been my greatest fear: my current job is starting to show its constraints and I am either to tolerate it or find a new one. The latter I hate to do, but the signs were clear, it was as if the whole universe is conspiring. I love the job, no doubt, and still believe it to be one of the awesomest jobs in the world, but right now I am very confused. I need to think about it over, a hundred or even a thousand of times if possible, or else, regrets.

4. Reach out. And make new friends. The truth is, I am unlikely to invest on friendship. Sure, there were nice folks who I got to see every day or every week and there were old friends to keep, but I wasn't used to initiating. The friends I have, they were the ones who I was/am affiliated with or connected to, not the ones who I started to smile at or talk to about certain personal issues. Most of the time, I just go with the flow. It took me several beatings before I finally realized that there were people who I thought were non-existent, when in fact, they were never an arm's reach away. Supladita ang datingan, teh? I hope I was not that snob, I have the tendency to stuck it out with the people I am most comfortable with, while, yes, completely ignoring the others. I am very sorry.

5. Write. And I mean really write, and pour my heart and soul into a piece of paper until it has become a masterpiece of its own. Ironic it may seem, but my thoughts were often driven by negative emotions. It feels as though when I am sad or heartbroken, I find it easier to vent out my sentiments creatively. These days, I can say I am neither of the two, and there is no lack of inspiration. There is love all around me- a seemingly good motivation to create words, but I just....can't. I don't know what went wrong, and I am eager to find that small person inside me before it's too late. Before I cannot write anymore.

Wow, that was wordy. In case you haven't slept reading, bear with me for a few more minutes.

Suffice it to say that every new year gives a chance to live a new life. You can think it's bull when I say that "let us all be better persons this year", the mantra having been repeated a hundred of times by a certain billion of people every January 1. But, why not? Even pessimists claim that it won't hurt to be positive even for just a certain short period of time. Who knows, it might even last for the whole year round, right?

How about you, guys? Are you feeling hopeful this 2012? :)

Holiday wishlist

2011-12-22T09:38:00.000+08:00

Hi there!

Sorry if I've been MIA ~~lately~~ again. In addition to the super hectic schedule, I must admit, I was too lazy to write. As in, soooooooooooooooo lazy to think of anything besides travel and work. Seriously, what is me?

Anyhow, the only thing that kept me sane was the weekends. There's nothing more than I could ask for today than the awesome job, but I thank God I can still have weekends. I might turn monstrous if I don't get to spend them with my family, friends, loved one and favorite book. Chances are, I can hurt someone if I don't get a break from all the stress this holidays. LOL. I just don't want to end the year with my ~super~ haggard self.

Since everyone's coming up with their own wishlist and I can't think of anything to write about, here's mine:

1. Oxfords / brogues

For quite a few weeks now, I've been itching to buy a nice pair from Ichigo (theirs are the best!), but my size was always out of stock in their branch at Glorietta. Boo! There is no way for me to go to the other branches in Greenhills and Shangrila with my schedule and I am not very fond of online shopping, so kind hearts can give me any of these. Size 8 or 9 will do. HAHA! :)

2. MAC Diva

I am already receiving MAC Morange as a gift (thank you, generous relatives!) but I swore I want this as my 7th tube! If you know me personally, I am not really the vain type, but I can't deny that I am fond of cosmetics.

However, I have this misguided belief that only beautiful persons are entitled to excessive display of vanity. I mean, I believe that everyone is beautiful in his/her own way pero sabi ko nga wala nang basagan ng trip di ba? hehe Hypocrisy has me when I say I don't take vanity pictures at all. In fact, I do, but they are mostly for keeps. :)

3. Fujifilm Instax Mini

Despite the digital advancement, I can say that Polaroid didn't go out of the limelight. Sure, there are pros and cons, but it would be so nice to own a point and shoot camera with instant pictures to boot. :)

4. Red Moleskine

Since I forget things easily, this would be a big help. Sometimes, out of nowhere, a thought would just pop in my head, and I am ~super~ ngarag to write it down. Even after a split second that it's gone, it is too hard for me to remember anymore. Anyway, why Moleskine? Wala lang. HAHAHA! :)

5. NatGeo Books of a Lifetime

Man, give me any of these and I'm the happiest girl! There are no words to express how much I love NatGeo (hello, ambition), so imagine my smile, then, when I saw these awesomeness. While my current job permits me to go to places, there is no greater dream for me than to travel THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD. I don't care if it's a few years from now or when I'm already old and grey, I can wait. Our planet is just too wonderful to be maltreated. NatGeo inspires us all to care for it, and it's never too late. :)

There you go. Some of these are really pricey, so I understand if I receive nothing at all. What is more important is the spirit of the season. As for me, just like any of you, I'm spending quality time with my loved ones. If I'm not at home reading Game of Thrones or watching Koreanovelas, I'm probably out there with friends and boyfriend. I am just too grateful that I have more than a week of vacation. :)

Happy holidays!

Photos from:
tyfashion.blogspot.com
yah-rly.blogspot.com
skinmakeup.org
polaroidph.com
ipresents.co.uk
shop.nationalgeographic.com

In flight

2011-12-15T11:53:00.001+08:00

Outside, there was nothing but sky. Nothing but clouds. It feels as though we can drift with them forever. And we’ll be as light as feather. We’ll walk on cotton, we’ll stumble side by side with your hand in mine.. We can live here, you know. The horizon stretches on and on, to infinity and beyond. As far as the eyes can see and as deep as the longing that makes me wish you were here sitting next to me.

Lennon Boy

2011-10-13T14:55:00.000+08:00

How life was like for passersby?

It could be a hundred days,

a hundred gush of our shoulders

We might have whispered

as strangers,

and slipped away in the crowd.

How life was like for passersby?

A few moments of exchanging glances

but we hardly ever noticed

It could be everywhere,

anywhere here

Was there a chance that we smiled?

I’ll walk the corridors

and help myself remember

The random days I could

have come across

The boy in his Lennon shirt.

We were on the other ends,

tangled ends

Until that moment came

we dropped our names,

From then on

we’re not the same.

For me, you’ll always be

The one who laughs

out his heart

Except for that one moment

You bent over as I sat.

You just smiled

and from then, I knew

I’ll always fall

for the music you create

I’ll be in the sea of faces

when you play.

With all your strumming

and with this falling,

can you tell?

Is it possible that it

goes the other way?

--A story that came out of nowhere on the last day of February.

Ghosts

2011-10-02T11:19:00.006+08:00

Ghosts, they haunt me so often.

They are crippling beneath my bed, occasionally starring my nightmares. They are with me when I walk in the sunlight, like a shadow inseparable to my body.

No, they are not what you think they tend to be- they do not even have the slightest hints of being a monster. Nor of being a dark creature that lurks somewhere in the unseen.

They are the best and prettiest persons in my world.

It has been years now since I first struggled. This was the time when I felt an intense admiration for a girl. She was someone I have always looked up to, someone who I wished I would be like someday. She was pretty, of course, and even one of the best students of her batch. I adored her for she was ideal. I was so in awe because I have found myself a role model. Everyone seemed to love her.

It was only a matter of months when I noticed my first few changes. Believe me when I say I fought hard not to imitate her. There was an argument in my head, I was confused if that was just normal for teenagers. But then I knew something was wrong, the mere sight of her was a confirmation. The admiration went overboard, ill-feelings took control.

There came the first strike of insecurity.

How I got past her, I cannot remember. Pain is the only thing I can recall, and that made me believe I became stronger. And though I wished to not experience it again, it was just a first, the next series are worse. It was like a plague that consumed the respect I had for myself. There were four of them, at my last count.

I am not yet done. I am still in a battle with the fourth. I must say, this case is different because bigger, more important things are at stake. If only I could say, “not in this very moment, not when I am supposed to establish a solid career for myself!” I know, she will be influencing my decisions. Perhaps that is why I get confused sometimes, if my life is what I really wanted for myself, not just because I want to be like someone else.

What I’m trying to say is that I do not want to follow others’ footsteps anymore. I want to make a name for myself. I want to experience the rewards of my passion. To fight tooth and nail for something, to work hard and earn, to discover contentment, to wake up and find that my ghosts are just nightmares of the past.

Pray for me to conquer my fears.

Twenteen State of Mind

2011-09-19T15:47:00.004+08:00

That’s it. Goodbye teenage years.

I am ever so grateful this birthday came with much less anticipation (the boyfriend was an exception, though, he was even more excited and has been bugging me about it since last month, I think), because I am working so hard lately, seven days straight. But am not here to complain about how tiring it is because I believe it’s still the awesomest job in world.

But I still can’t believe I turned 20 already. Really. In my nineteen years of existence, I wasn’t used to celebrating it grand. Just a party for classmates or a simple dinner with my loved ones would be enough to make my day. And of course, the thought of friends remembering me just for one day every year. You know. It’s the only time when almost everyone is making efforts to make you feel special. I love love love birthdays even though it makes me older.

My birthday wish? Peace on earth! Yeah, seriously. And peace of mind. They fall under the same umbrella. For the past few years since I entered college, I cannot remember anything else on my wishlist. If I’m still schooling, I am probably in the midst of some-kinda-hell-week-but-not-so-since-midterms-have-just-finished-so-yeah-you-can-sleep-sane-for-three-to-four-hours-now-and-get-ready-for-some-serious-action-soon. Let me tell you, real hell week for us was consecutive overnight sessions for 2-3 subjects simultaneously and day activities plus plus. Wondering why peace of mind? I am not even exaggerating.

But since this year I celebrated it as a working girl, I am partly expecting for some big change to happen (or has it happened already?). Except that I have finances now and an even more unpredictable schedule, there are three plans that I am quite eager to push through until my next birthday:

Learn a new language. I am planning to sign up on Goethe-Institut Philippinen, study German, take (and pass!) the exam, then fly to Germany for cultural immersion. Wow, am I being too ambitious? Yes. It won’t be easy, but I’m dead serious here.
Play an instrument. This has been my all-time frustration. I am planning as well to learn how to play the organ, but for religious purposes only.
Write a novel. Thanks to Ms. Inez Ponce de Leon (who turns out to be my greatest idol), I have stumbled upon a great discovery about the National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo). So, megajoin naman ang lola nyo. HAHAHA! It will take place this November. I registered already and was given instructions, but I have to reread it since I have not absorbed the entire mail. I’m up for 30 days and nights of literary abandon! *prays* If ever that I wasn’t able to meet this one, I still have the Carlos Palanca Memorial Awards next summer to boot.

The next question is, am I planning to break a leg and accomplish these three? No, because I’m being realistic as well. It is only now do I start to think of the future, which is like, five to ten years from now. I have all the time before I get married at 25 (WHOA, and we’re talking about marriage here!!!!), it would do no good to take three steps at a time. Wonderwoman ang datingan? HAHAHA! Pwede mag-adik?

Anyway, these are just my vision. Just my dreams. It won’t hurt to dream big, right? And since it’s free I am taking advantage. I just need to have a solid direction, I am hoping these will lead me right, and am looking forward to a blessed year ahead. May God bless us all! :)

Fangirl-ing to the Nth Power!

2011-08-29T15:28:00.001+08:00

I've said it too many times: only Kim Hyun Joong can unleash the fangirl in me.

I was just too happy these past few days that I can't even think straight. As expected, the moment of anticipation has become a distraction. While I was out of town for work, I spent precious time thinking of the raffle draw. Jeez. What if I got chosen in the photo-op? What should I wear? Is it okay to steal a hug? I mean, how to steal a hug in a tight security everyone is expecting? I was planning a strategy. I was just thinking about it too much that I could have gone nuts. Yes, I was with the coolest people for work, but I did not enjoy, not even the nature, the waves, the sands..my mind was simply with and for Kim Hyun Joong. NOW CALL ME CRAZY and shallow. Wait, what if I wasn't chosen?

But then I waited just like everyone else, without a choice. The good news came on a Friday, one week before the event. I won in the Autograph Signing category. Lo and behold! The dream came true. That night I can even remember me sleeping while smiling like a psycho. My efforts lived with a stroke of damn luck.

My two raffle entries, the Gel Liner and BB Cream I bought to qualify, the Autograph Signing pass.

Let me tell you, it was worth it. My savings did not go to waste. Days before the event, I met a fangirl at TFS MOA branch. We got to hang out at the store for a while and I found out that she bought three tickets' worth of products, and yet, she wasn't chosen. Not in a single category. She was there to buy again, to qualify for the limited Admission Pass for the non-winners. I know it sounds ridiculous, but it costs way more expensive than the previous raffle entries. Yeah, imagine what a fangirl can do. I realized at the time how lucky I was for having won because I was nearly feeling bad before that, wishing for me to qualify in the photo-op instead. Well, who wouldn't want that?

AUGUST 26. TRINOMA MALL ACTIVITY CENTER.

It was my first time to attend such a fan event. In my late high school life, I became a fan of rock bands, but my fondness for them didn't get me a backstage pass or an autographed CD. It was only now, only for Kim Hyun Joong who stars in a fandom that receives so many criticisms from the more "mature" citizens of the society. I don't care if some people hate Koreans.That's normal. I am also quite aware that I am making some people raise their eyebrows. But I wouldn't go on questioning points of view here. Basta walang basagan ng trip, okay? :)

Moving on, at the event, I got to meet some of the die-hard fans. I mean, the real ones who are members of KHJ fan clubs and the ones who bought 5-8 tickets' worth of products to qualify. I stared at them in amazement, I wasn't even worth their toenails when it comes to being a KHJ fangirl. I was only kind of out of place because almost all of my seatmates and the ones seating in the back of our row seemed to know each other. But they were kind and cool, I did feel comfortable. And I was just comfortable in my seat, I had a good one, my pass placed me in the front row, just beside the center aisle.

I love her. :)

Speaking of coolness, I also got the chance to meet Julia, a six-year-old fan. She was with her mother, who was my seatmate. You cannot imagine how far they have already gone for KHJ. This child got the chance to kiss KHJ twice, not to mention their countless face-to-face encounters with him. She participated in the games, where she sang KHJ's Kiss Kiss and acquired the pre-autographed CD she's holding in the picture. She didn't seem to run out of energy and every once in a while, I found her talking to several fans.

GMA's Grace Lee was the host of the event. Pretty as she is, I found out that she can speak fluent Korean and stood as one of KHJ's translators during his stay. I must admit, the two of them looked good together on stage. Yiiiii.

Time for my autograph. KHJ wasn't looking at me in this picture. Too bad. He was looking at Julia who was just beside me. That's okay, I have already taken my turn. I can't help but to stare at his flawless face and watch him say, "Thank you". I can't remember what my response was, it all happened so fast. I marched down the stage only to hear the crowd shrieking and when I turned to the screen, lucky Julia was getting a second kiss. KHJ seemed to be too fond of kids. :)

It was the closest I can get.

Weeee. The experience was just superb. News has it that KHJ will be having a concert tour this December and he already told the media that he will try to include Philippines in the itinerary. Fingers crossed! There are only a few months left to save money. hehe.

The best part of all, Kim Hyun Joong donated one million pesos of his own money to a foundation. I am not sure if it's still Abiertas House of Friendship (the recipient of the money from a bid). It was sooooo kind of him.

'Till we meet again, Leader. Much love and many thanks! <3

Miscellaneous

2011-08-10T09:51:00.001+08:00

Flabbing drumdarks! Enough of the serious stuff.

Reviewed my recent posts and thought that I might as well write something light. Jeez. I have been sulking around for quite some time. Am very thankful that I’m coming to my senses now, because originally, I do not want to make this blog as some kind of an emotional dumpster.

Honestly, before grad, I thought my life would become more serious. I mean, I know it must and should have become serious, but along the way as of today, I am still careless enough to adopt a true working girl attitude. Worse, some things hold me back right at the moment when I feel the need to establish priorities. I have the tendency to get high in happiness.

As of this writing, I have two distractions in mind that I believe would kill my career if found present years from now:

1. Korean.

Will try to keep this brief since I am not a hardcore fan (if buying 2 tickets’ worth of TheFaceShop products for Kim Hyun Joong’s tour this August is not being hardcore, then consider me out). Perhaps, you can call this fondness! haha! When did it start? Meteor Garden is the culprit. I know way back then you can consider girls of my age liking Dao Ming Si or Hwa Zi Lei normal. I liked them very much for me to have posters of them in our(me and my parents’) bedroom. But it was not until I lived in the dormitory did I feel the extreme attachment to everything Asian.

Thanks to my lovable roommates, I have known Super Junior since 2007. So were SNSD, Wondergirls, Big Bang, TVXQ, FT Island and SHINee. I can recall the first music video they made me watch was SuJu’s Miracle! Superb. In no time, I can recite the names of its 13 members. Let me try now: Shindong, Donghae, Siwon, Kibum, Hangyul, Eunhyuk, Sungmin, Leeteuk, Heechul, Kangin, Ryeowook, Kyuhyun and Yesung. The rest was history. Almost every night was spent watching and talking. My roommates were sooooo cool I love and miss them so much. They deserve a separate post. :)

When my roommates graduated and I moved in a new dorm, I began to spend lesser time browsing for the latest KPop news. But boom! It all came back upon the release of Boys Over Flowers on Philippine television. Was so hooked I even bought pirated DVD. Since Hwa Zi Lei was my favorite Meteor Garden character, I kept an eye on Yoon Ji Hoo. At first I was disappointed, but when he had his haircut in the post-Macau episode, I fell in love immediately. From then on, I have been a constant follower of Kim Hyun Joong. When he was still doing Playful Kiss in Korea, I made the effort to watch fresh episodes in the internet.

Up until now that he is coming on the 26^th, I dropped a big coin just to buy tickets for TheFaceShop fanmeeting with photo op raffle draw. A hundred fans can participate in the autograph signing while only five can bring home a souvenir photo with him. Pray for me to be lucky. I AM TOTALLY PSYCHED! Only Kim Hyun Joong can unleash the fangirl in me.<3

Right now, I am constantly on the look-out for new Korean Dramas. At least an episode a night is enough to complete my day. But, oh crap, except when the day’s connection is extra slow. Mayday! Mayday!

2. Cosmetics.

Here goes my biggest investment. For about a year now, most of my savings are spent on cosmetics. Lipsticks, to be specific. As posted months ago, I was not really a cosmetic fan. But that was before I followed Regina Belmonte on Tumblr. Her rants are so contagious! hehe.

I keep the usual kikay kit. I mean, the one with all the girly artsy-fantsy. There, you can find lipsticks, blush-on, eyeliners, gel liner, mascara, eyelash curler and my first ever BB cream. Have to say that even though I love make-up, I rarely put them on. Swerte na yung once a week. But for lipsticks, I wear at least one daily. :)

Will end this here. I've decided to make a separate post about this as well. IMBA. Noticed this item is way too shorter. hehe Pictures to follow, later at home. Rush! Rush! Thanks for the read. :)

Flipside

2011-08-05T09:14:00.002+08:00

Connected to the preceding post, I have been imagining a lot lately..

What if I went to a different (his) university?

Do not be misled: I have no regret at all having gone to my Alma Mater. There were so many things about Quezon City that cannot be put in words. How I love the wide, killer highway compared to the crowded streets of Manila. How I love breathing the air- it just feels safer because of so many trees, unlike the suffocation in Manila. This makes me want to get rid of smoke velchers so bad! I also love the fog (yes fog!) in school, the mist that gives the lasting impression of greenery and cleanliness. Setting-wise, I love Quezon City, much more so the experience it has left me during my college days.

So why imagine a turn of events?

Shortly after high school, my mom and I went to Manila to do some university oculars. I signed in PNU and even took the exam which I passed. And TUP was just close enough, I cringed at the thought of going to the same university as his. That time there was no attachment between us, just indifference. But I still didn’t show up in my examination because my school in QC has already caught me the first time I set foot in it.

The following years have brought the unexpected. We got back together (you know the story) and I began to spend more time roaming around Manila. I went to his school and met his friends and professors. Sharing the same faith, I was accepted and welcomed warmly by his colleagues in the organization. They invited me in their meetings and (sometimes) events, these were the days when we spent late night walks in Ermita to catch the bus home. I learned to appreciate the city lights, the rush of students in the streets, even the traffic along Taft and España Avenues. It was only in a short time when I started to feel a fondness for the place and its people.

Being the reason of my escapades in Manila, the organization has left a deeper meaning to me, too. I must say it’s not the usual organization students have become accustomed to. Its goal is to take care of the brotherhood like a fraternity, but unlike fraternity, faith is the grounds of its mission and vision. I felt the bond and belongingness and eventually considered his colleagues as friends. He took a term and led the organization, hence, the meaning it holds to him. Not just because of leadership, but the fulfillment he felt in caring for strangers like his siblings. He is loved and cared for like a sibling in return.

If I went to the same university with him, I could have experienced this feeling as well. I could have come out of my shell and extended my affection to non-relatives. Could have cared for strangers. Couldn’t have been jealous because she would surely be my friend. Could have become a public speaker. Could have been a leader. I wonder now what difference it could have brought if I took the examination and Architecture course. Could have experienced the joy and stress of commuting everyday. Could have. Now too much imagination can break a heart.

Ask my wish, I’d probably answer this. I would command time to turn back its hands and let me study in Manila. But no matter how happy I am in the place or how intense my need is to be with the organization, I still do not want to harbor disloyalty to my Alma Mater. While Manila can be one of my frustrations, compare it to QC, compare TUP to NEU, it still wouldn’t make any sense. After all, I wouldn’t be here, happy and fulfilled with the job I dream. This just proves I didn’t make a wrong choice. And I can never be thankful enough for the life it leads.

I know I should stop moping about this matter here. What’s done can’t be undone. Past is already a history, the important thing is, treat present as a gift, because it truly is. Strike one off the bucket list, at least now I know what my life would be in my next lifetime.

On Acceptance

2011-08-02T11:56:00.002+08:00

I attended an event recently. With him.

Actually, it was his event and he just asked me to tag along. I agreed to come despite our previous arguments which had something to do with the organization.

I could have declined to come, and in the first place, I could have gone against him attending.

But I didn't.

For almost two years of togetherness, I can say that I have come to know him deeper than anyone. Happy times, difficult times, name it, we have had a fair share of experiences that brought out the best and worst persons in us. There were painful moments, too, that almost made us walk away. Now, I must admit I have been the one who caused more.

Sometimes I feel like I’m taking him away. Or taking something away from him. At times he wasn’t able to eat at home when a spur-of-the-moment invitation came from my parents. Sometimes I asked him to stay. And he did. I am ever so grateful that his family understood. So were his friends. A reunion would be quickly disregarded with just one shake of my head.

If you could say that letting him attend is due to guilt, well, I guess, that might be it.

And I didn’t regret.

I have never seen him so happy in a different way. All the time I thought I am the only one who can give him happiness. Ours is a romantic love, of two individuals, that can only be fulfilled by mutual affection. I thought that with this kind of happiness we do not need other people anymore. We moved our worlds to be with and for each other. I thought, what more can we ask for?

But seeing him smile, so sincerely that it became so contagious, I realized I was wrong all the time. While I was aware of how this organization (meant) means to him, I stopped him but didn’t say it straight to his face. With my heart heavy, he conceded, because there are other responsibilities, too, that he had to attend. Busy days came and eventually, he began to spend lesser time with the organization. I thought that was okay.

But seeing him smile that way, I realized I never should have been against. The meaning this organization holds to him far outweighs my reason. Just because I was shallow and jealous. I am so ashamed of myself.

The only thing that kills me is that he went through a hard time alone. While he didn’t say it, I knew he felt it, felt like there were two different worlds colliding inside him. Battling against, while it could have been more peaceful if one embraces the other. He could have been happier without having to worry. Without having to choose.

I am giving in, now let me say, it’s never too late.

Tenses

2011-07-14T08:44:00.002+08:00

I am alive. Still.

These days have dragged me cold, dragged me to a nowhere place where a nowhere soul deserves to be. But hell yes, parts of me are still functioning- in the morning I still wake up, and when I get up I perform as flawless as yesterday.

Morning usually involves a cup of coffee, a trip to a newly built expressway, passengers, office mates and work, while the afternoon wraps with the journey back home. It all fits in a perfect cycle. At night, I try to close the day with something creative, like a poem or a review of sorts but my attempts remain futile. After dinner I’m already crawling to my bed.

These are my weekdays- an inevitable part of my and everybody’s life where we make a living. Work and work till the fifteenth, work and work till the thirtieth. Funny how two days can hold a different meaning in a month of thirty. Payday evokes a truly gratifying feeling for me, because now I can bring home a box of wishes and promised pasalubongs. And I can pay for my expenses and buy something from my heart’s content without holding back for shame.

These are my new life as well- a moment turned over with so many feelings of anticipation and frustration. While everyday seems to be as tiring as one could ever imagine, I am but proud to say that I have the best job in the world. Rare is a job that would take you to places for free, and make you write about it for a living. I am a step away from it, hard work will take me there. Note to self.

Will tell you a secret: working at NatGeo/Discovery has always been my dream. Ah, bliss. Something inside me stirs because I have a feeling that I am heading into the right direction. The thought of this fuels me up in a week’s worth of work. Nothing will happen if I ain’t gonna break some bones.

Then someday, I am going to make it.

Dropping by

2010-10-16T09:20:00.003+08:00

Hello Blogger, it's been a while.

I wish I have something valuable to post. But there isn't anything. I mean, there really isn't something sensible to share. For the past few months, I wasted all the chance to write, I can even remember those moments when my heart(and mind) seemed to explode.

I kept the thoughts, I just held them all in for unknown reasons. Perhaps I was too occupied with other(unnecessary) things. The bitch that I am. Many people are wishing to have this. And yet, I tested fate by considering just one option.

There I was, for so many days in my life, googling some fashion and cosmetic stuffs that made no sense. I didn't know, but there seemed to be some kind of shift in my interests. Lipsticks replaced the books I used to buy. Computer tabs were occupied with fashion reviews rather than literary reviews. I am so ashamed. Material things took me away from my true nature.

I tolerated it, and I was being so unfair. There came a point when I held my breath because something triggered my inky soul to regenerate again. But, what did I do? WHAT DID I DO? I threw them all away in oblivion, I chose to forget.

And now, nothing could bring them back. Words cannot express how sorry I am, how much I miss reading and writing.

I promise, I would not be distracted again.
Am definitely trying, after all.

Remembrance

2010-07-09T21:10:00.001+08:00

I inhaled with a cold air rushing down my lungs, as if breathlessly, at that moment, I wanted to change the fact as quickly as it struck me numb.

Never have I lived long enough to know more people of old age, mainly were my personal grandparents who are still living well. I actually haven’t given much thought to the parting notion, but now that the pain came in to his family, I must say, I am considering it as my own, too.

She was one of the very few elders who treated me nice and true. I often joked on it before, but she seemed to be, among all people, our (loveteam’s) number one fan.

She was, and she will still be. I know.

Suddenly, I remembered my last quiet visits in his home. Those were the times when the mere sight of her triggered pain, to us, who were so used to seeing her healthy and glowing in old age. It hurt me to watch as she gasped for breath, for it reminded me of the laughs I used to hear, and the brief chats we used to share, back in the day when she had no tube driven down her throat, and she had no trouble speaking in her own means.

I wondered then how she would complain about being uncomfortable. She probably would have patted their hands, if she were still able, when they were trying to stir her in an easier position on her first night in the hospital bed, or simply just on her usual days in her favorite place at home.

Perhaps, those were times of courage as well- every time that you would enter the room you merely had to smile because you didn’t want her to take it the harder way. Or for those tough instances when you were struggling for acceptance, for you were surprised: all that’s left for you to do was to kiss her hands goodbye, and you will only get to see her stare..as if she wanted to say sorry she cannot hug you back this time.

The gloom sounded more unhappily when he told me that instant, she seemed to worsen everyday.

Things might change when I finally see her tomorrow. I am partly expecting that it would trigger pain, just like the old days, but tonight as I have felt it once again, it was suddenly gone. As fast as it seemed to come. She’s at peace at last, and even though we cannot avoid sadness, we simply have to tell ourselves that, it is time to be selfish no more.

Because no matter how much you wanted a person to stay, if it meant more pain in her side, you just have to accept that letting go is the only way to make things right. At least for the one we love.

It sometimes takes a noble deal before we finally get to see beyond looking..that behind every unhappy facet of life lingers greater stuffs that are not measurable by the times you were together, but for the times you were apart, even if it meant forever.

This is the time when moments turn into memories. They are wonderful things to look back to, once we ponder deep with the past. And they seem to be the only ones that are capable to live..

Even when we cease to exist.

The Oval Commotion

2010-06-26T19:48:00.010+08:00

Yesterday came one of the most unforgettable moments in our life.

I always think that every memory of ours, together, can be kept quite considerably to the treasure chest we have built apparently seven years ago. Honestly, there were just too many of them- both pleasant and unpleasant- that we might run out of space for the years to come. Regrets have already taken its toll in our past relationship, but whenever we're looking back we can feel it no more (as if none of it has ever existed) , because after all, we are again given the chance to make up for the lost time, with the future at hand.

We laughed, we cried or even went mad for shouting at each other then hugging couple of minutes later, but what was worth remembering more were the quiet times when we're just sitting alone and seizing the moment, with our hearts and the universe in harmony.

There we were, in the UP oval around 6pm, nestled along the stray woods while watching a baseball team practice. It was about to get dark and we wanted to avoid bites, so we moved to that better place, beside the lamp post. Just like what we always do in times like those, we talked endlessly. Absolutely about anything, everything in random. It was partly in everyone's suprise when it drizzled. Not wanting to part ways yet, we had no choice but to stay and seek refuge to the lone umbrella available.

It was one of the most remarkable pluvial encounters I've ever seen in real life. There's something more about it than what the movies and books often describe: I can feel it because I am in the moment, only a few distance away from the boy I want to share it with.

Everything was so green and dark that one might feel like he's in the midst of a hole, with the silence and the raindrops occupying it would have hurt to hear. But none of these made sense in our case, when we both saw the beauty in such a plain context, knowing the evening can never make us any happier.

Without a single word, we held hands.

And we're everything that mattered.

062510

Bye for now, Blogger :)

2010-06-14T10:46:00.006+08:00

Just a couple of days left, at tapos na ang maliligayang araw.

Well then, it has been a great summer. I can say. Despite the outbursts and bipolar disorder tendencies (one day, sure as hell I'll have myself tested), the vacation all in all, was really a vacation for me. I merely spent a huge chunk of time doing nothing and much as I want to say that it was as unproductive as it supposed to be, this blog is the witness, I've written more than my usual output delirium in two semesters combined.

I don't know if will I ever get to write like that again or will I ever get to post again, I just want to thank you all, followers and nameless/faceless readers who have enduringly coped with the blog. Although I can singlehandedly count you in my fingers, it's just nice to share it with you, guys.

So long Blogger, I'll probably drop by every once in a while, just in case the semester would still allow me to spell free time without having my schedule to suffer.

Welcome Academic Year 2010 - 2011!

I'll embrace you now with much more enthusiasm.

Heaven-sent

2010-06-08T19:23:00.008+08:00

Wishes are granted, all in God’s perfect time.

For such a long time, I believed I was losing it. I even got the feeling that I was waiting for something that will never arrive- that something I thought He will never want me to have.

But just as what He ought to do so many times in my life, He was only hiding it from my sight, not wanting me to see until it is time.

Eagerness at times causes us more harm. Rather than having our troubles mended, our impatience can hinder and cloud our minds with the doubts and confusions we have only created. Maybe this is one of the reasons why we tend to lose focus on our goals. We didn’t know what’s in store for we keep on assuming that while we are waiting, we are as well, lagging behind.

Which is simply not the case.

Uneasiness succumbed my could-have-been-peaceful summer. It’s as if I was lost amidst the crowd of boisterous faces, and I can do nothing but to endure a helpless state of being. I never felt so unsure my entire life. And I wished I had enough strength to sustain the thing that keeps me going.

It began when I started asking so many questions. This was when I was given an ample time to think over the things I wanted to do, and the things that should be happening at that moment. I saw how it went for others, and I wondered when will be the right time for me too.

I was so consumed with these thoughts that I barely noticed the details He wanted me not to miss. Those precious ones that could only be spent with family, close friends and very special person. The realization merely sank in the moment He handed me the blessing: the opportunity I supposed I lost, in reality opened up rare chances to tighten my social ties and empower the vulnerable spirit in me.

Among the things He made me certain of, I have understood that from the moment He spared me from getting this one, He was just setting aside a favorable part that is yet to be obtained until I am made ready.

Beautiful things unfold through the grace of heaven. When worries pour like rain, we are sure that somewhere out there in the outskirts of the world, fortunate people are enjoying the rays of life’s sunshine. When we feel the warmth, we are certain that some shiver with loneliness perhaps just around the corner.

And blessings do come like seasons to their own time. We just have to trust that ours will come in the long run.

This is but an answered prayer. I’ve waited long enough for this to come at last. Wasted were not the days of my waiting, deep inside I know I truly gained something. I was disheartened, yes, much more so when I let myself be driven by momentary distractions that pushed me further to the outer limits of my coping capability. But alive as I still am today, I am standing again- fervent like the heat of a thousand blisters and firm among the tremors that shook over my faith.

I’m on my way to grasping the best part of the lesson, when I finally do, I know..

I am healed.

Completely.

Dillemma

2010-06-01T14:43:00.003+08:00

Holding myself together has been one of my greatest skills long before the light came upon my life and brought me out of the blackness. I have lived again, thank you very much, proud and overwhelmed with so much sanity. But then just when I thought I am to leave every little thing behind, every little part of me that is aching to be thrown away, realization struck me as if saying boldly to my face: I cannot escape. I cannot go on and just depart from the memory, like what people tend to do when they forget the simplest details of a fine sunny day.

How I wish the memory was that pleasant enough.

It came to me that I’m going to practice it again, maybe I just got so drunk with all the happiness that I drifted out of awareness to forget the cycle. Guess I didn’t pay much attention that the arrival surprised me in an instant- I was caught off guard. And when it drew closer, the impact hit me with so much force it made me regret I didn’t prepare myself for such devastation. Now, I feel as if each move would tear down the defense I have planted within my joints and stitched across my skin, they seem to be the only things that keep me from falling apart.

I might scatter any moment. I am afraid- always with the same fear every time the situation triggers me to face my old self again, that I might not be able to reassemble my pieces like before.

It’s a sheer irony that people, despite their wanting to move on with their newly fixed lives, can sometimes be so vulnerable that in the end of the day, they find themselves dwelling within the darkest places of their souls. They are trapped and chained along as if there are no means for them to forget, for the mere fact of forgetting might simply turn them into a person they do not completely know.

And they always find themselves looking back.

Not for them to suffer the same pain, or inflict themselves with the same wound, but to somehow gain strength from the battles they have won over and incur deep reflection with the ones they have lost and fallen through. Even though the scores already settled the tabs and we can do nothing (at least) to change the odds, we sometimes need to go back into the process where we can simply stand beside our previous selves, just to witness our survival from the perils of living- may we be held triumphant or unfortunate in every encounter.

Yes, it was a long time since I went looking for myself in the mirror this way. Such a reasonable amount of time for me to fly from places to places and unravel the life on the other side of the horizon. I hovered along the coast and saw the uproars below- I became so astonished for the life I might have given to myself, the life I ideally want to live. I was so persistent that I brought myself in the crucial point: on the verge of losing a significant part of my being in return for what’s being laid on before me.

I must admit, I felt a sudden chill when I turned back and saw how far I’ve gone. I have done this for quite so many times, and when I did, I only found myself a few steps ahead.

But today, it’s as if I fluttered across the ocean and sailed along for days.

Suddenly I wanted to jump. I wanted to be driven back by the waves. I wanted to comfort the girl I am leaving on the other end of the shore. All the while I was feeling sure of myself that I can just go on and embark a journey, like a fugitive in its flight yearning for a good exit. Nevertheless, until the numbness succumbed and I discovered..

I wasn’t ready to leave. Not yet.

Never did I think that this time of my life would initiate a moment of transition, where I am most likely to dismember a part of myself. The past is the only reason why I was able to get going, though I cannot fail to recall that my being at the present, is somehow a product of desolation and shame I brought myself into.

Just the mere thought of throwing this away is unendurable.

What’s more painful is that I am seeing the life I badly want to hand over myself. This perhaps can be one of the numerous reasons why I am after to passing the crossroad; but then I know, the choice I would have to make right now would either cause delay or denial to the countless excuses I have made to stay. I still prefer the former.

I know as well that despite the panic and uneasiness, I have to gauge myself and arrange my disposition for me to be able to surrender myself fully, someday when the fates are already set to steer me to the chance of a lifetime, without any uncertainty and draw back.

And when I succeed to that instant of finally reaching the turning point again, I will have the courage to tell myself to stop trying to discard the past and accept the fact, that sooner or later, I have to learn to keep it untouched and to just continue living with it..

For me to move on.

Tranquility

2010-05-26T09:51:00.007+08:00

Yesterday, I was thinking to write about my whereabouts, since I have been worrying a lot lately. There's just too many things in my mind as if they were all crammed inside my head, grasping along my nerves. But then today, just about before the worship service came into its final note, something with the divine flew across my soul and touched me in the most remarkable way: God still loves me despite my faults. And He is ready, always waiting, to give me peace and serenity.

I always consider those moments as the most sacred of all, and I have long known that this is where I belong.

Something as well struck me, that it will not be too late to clean up the mess I am about to create. Yeah, that's the reason of my uneasiness- I am afraid for the coming of the fourth year first semester. I remember me getting excited for my life as an incoming junior student last summer, a life where there's so much to do..so many clubs and organizations to keep my days full and busy. And hell yeah, I wanted it all because I thought I was going to mend a broken heart. (I did not regret that part though, God knows how thankful I am for giving him back to me) And now, after all that's said and done, I can say that I am not happy with what I accomplished. If you can consider it an accomplishment.

I have been a clumsy Third Year Representative, a ruefully edged Sports Editor and a passive Socio-Cultural Committee member.

It's really saddening because I did not do great with these; what's more depressing is that I might have and could have done at least well. But in return, I hang on to the consolation that I know myself better now, maybe multitasking is just not a good job for me.

What's frightening me today is that I still remain intact with them, meaning I am to continue my participation with the clubs and orgs as their incumbent member. Half of the reason because I want to, and part of it because I had to. I am afraid I might disappoint people again, I just cannot afford the shame.

But then, there is still too many things to be grateful for. If I am to look at the brighter side, this is a chance to prove myself once more. To somehow show the world that I am still worthy of their trust and companion. All I need is the courage and the Hand that will guide me throughout.

I still ought to have the Right and was taught to do it right- PRAYING. I am mustering my strength to make the most out of the remaining days, to somehow replenish the loss of the soul and fill it with the thing most powerful of all, Faith. Now I realize, sending your troubles to heaven and knowing that you are being comforted is as fulfilling as to love and be loved in return.

Peaceful day everyone:)

Thankful

2010-05-19T07:38:00.004+08:00

The happiness is so overwhelming, that I can't help but to be afraid it might not last any longer. Cherished will be these days, when everything seems so okay and falling to their right place. My friends, the very special ones, have taught me lessons far more important than what I've already learned: there's still so much more to life than what people oftenly thought it looked like. All you have to do is give in and render the trust completely without expecting reciprocity. And things will suddenly uncover..wonderful things hidden deep within the most unexpected places of human souls. Nothing can be so fulfilling than to love and be loved in return.

So do not hesitate to show affection even though people drift out of mutual awareness, if they are just as numb as you once were or just as reluctant as you are right now..you never know.

Detached

2010-05-12T09:47:00.005+08:00

"Just lower your expectations of life to the point that you aren't disappointed by anyone or anything."

- Very well said. I guess, this has been one of the greatest lesson slash realization that hit me totally with a pang. From the point of reading it, I suddenly woke up as if a bucket of ice cold water has been splashed across my face. So this was it, I told myself. For too many times now, whenever I'm given a free time to sit quietly and ponder everything that's going on in my life, I always end up blaming myself. Why? Because I'm making life hard, so hard that it came to the point when simple things make me cry. I admit to being way too sensitive, at times I burst out just by the mere thought of someone I hate or, worst case scenario, of someone I envy.

I have already learned to change. And by now, I should be changing.

I know, this wouldn't be easy. Much more so, when I have lived alone long enough that I got used to it and I couldn't care less with other people around. But today, things aren't the same anymore. Faith is the only constant factor in the equation, where other variables depend on the strength or weakness of their coefficients. That's why I am making my own solution, the points I am giving to each term would more likely reflect to the expression of my life, to how I would balance the pros and cons, that would enable me to see things through the prism of insightful judgment.

Gone will be the days of crushing blackness. If I spent my previous life throwing expectations, those must-be-met-standards that later retaliated and bruised me back with so much disappointments, I would now try hard each morning and try even harder every night- to want things simpler than simple and make tomorrow a well-lived day by making life easy for others..

And for myself.

The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People is truly something to ponder on.

Good morning bones

2010-05-08T00:54:00.003+08:00

Hey ho! It really is fun sneaking around at midnight just to use the pc, especially when your Mama and little sister are fast asleep just a couple of meters away. And they literally don't mind if i would stay up a little later tonight, uhmm I guess.

Yesterday has been one of the longest days in my history.

7:00 am - Bahay
9:30 am - The Philippine Star, Port Area, Manila
10:30 am - NEU, Quezon City
12:15 pm - TV5, Novaliches, QC
2:15 pm - MRT Taft, Pasay City
4:00 pm - Rosario, Cavite
5:30 pm - Outskirts of Ligtong, Ros.Cav.
7:30 pm - SM Rosario
9:30 pm - Bahay

Bakit ko ba to nilista?
WALA LANG :D

AT BAGO AKO MATULOG, ETO MASASABI KO:

Nakakatampo.
Nakakafrustrate.
Nakakapagod.

Meme well everyone--,

Chillax

2010-05-04T10:12:00.003+08:00

Whoaw, I just read my last few posts and thought that I might some kinda lay low for being way too emotional. haha. Kahit saglit lang. Things are going on smooth this morning and I cannot think of anything else that might ruin my good mood. Well, oh. Crap. We are having a fight, I suddenly remember. Last night, I promised to give him a harder time since he just walked out like that and ran away from the conversation.

What was he thinking? that THAT would settle things?

Obviously, it's the other way around.

PMS is the only thing that I would say sorry for later. :)

Self mutilation

2010-05-03T07:31:00.001+08:00

I was never so unsure my entire life. Now, as I summon up the courage to ponder everything that's said and done, I'm afraid that I might freak out as I unleash the ogre I've been nursing within myself.

Again, just like what I felt many times in the past, I'm wishing to become someone else. Or become like someone else, should I say.

My insides are ugly: envious, selfish, insecured. Oftentimes, I think that I might deserve this kind of punishment for my sins. Just the thought of this person makes me flinch, as if I hurt myself accidentally..and nobody was to blame.

Help me grieve and remind me to love myself a little more..

A little more than what's left.

A little more than nothing.

My favorite people :)

2010-05-02T10:36:00.001+08:00

Yeah, boy.

Even though sometimes I go against showy display of feelings, I cannot deny that I as a human, still value the warmth of such genuine friendship. We are made different in numerous ways yet we are bound by a single entity, faith. I *heart* you so much PNKers.

Wonderland

2010-04-30T15:00:00.001+08:00

There's so much to say:
Die.
Live.
No, exist.
Just exist and breathe for me.
And we'll wish this would be enough-
Us, making a lover out of each other
Like blossom stars in an earthly sky
A night the odds will never falter..
But would you break and turn away?
If you saw me kissing cold mirrors
Begging to get in through the passage,
Wanting back my old universe.
That was my own perfect world..
Where skies sing delightful
To hear my screams
Where plants grow better
When watered with tears.
But I took the risk of leaving..
For faith.
For love.
And for the things that matter.
I never knew what its like
Until I lived and loved outside
I must run, and never look back-
Waiting beyond the glass walls,
Stood my life..

(Dated March 2010)

Sinner

2010-04-29T22:50:00.000+08:00

Conscience come and plague at me: Just when I thought things are going smooth in my life, evil indeed has a way to ruin everything that's alright.

Or should I say, my own personal demon.

All the while, I feel as if it is guarding my every action, just like the belief that angels watch over people here in the earth. Mine dwells the other way around. It is watching and waiting for me..waiting for me to bite the bait and fall to my weakest point, so the execution can be done flawlessly by my own hands.

I always wonder how humans can be so vulnerable. So irrational.

So helpless.

Hmmmm.

2010-04-26T23:30:00.000+08:00

I cannot get used to staring at him. Even though we are always, almost together 24-7.

Maybe because that's how couples get lovey-dovey with such simple gestures. Maybe because it was for love, that someone like me, cannot really believe that the most beautiful and wonderful person in my eyes is actually mine.

October 29, 2003.

To think, it has been seven years of attachment.. such a long time right? But to tell you honestly, half of the relationship we spent away from each other. I mean, apart. So, that's 42 months out of 84(due October 2010). It's up to you to consider it lengthy, since we broke up and got together again the third time around.

But from all that's said and done, we are certainly grateful that God has made our paths meet again.

Although we cannot bring the lost years back,
we hope that the future would be enough to cope up. :)

Keep loving everyone.

Dear Blogger,

2010-04-21T01:20:00.000+08:00

It's been such a long time since I wrote my last post in here. To think it has been 3 months! And the urge to finally update it? I owe it certainly to my hopeless and hapless BOREDOM. I wanted to say sorry for not having updated it for a while but then I remember suddenly that there's no one to apologize to. But you. haha. Who needs followers? I guess saving you from extinction is the least I could do now.

PS. I promise to drop by every now and then. Miss you a lot.

So long,
Carmi :)

...

2010-01-24T21:50:00.000+08:00

I love you Aldrin:)

Bubbay Vacation:(

2010-01-03T21:23:00.000+08:00

"Goodbye, my friend, goodbye. My love, you are in my heart. It was preordained we should part. And be reunited by and by. Goodbye: no handshake to endure. Let's have no sadness- furrowed brow. There's nothing new in dying now Though living is no newer."

--SERGEI YESENIN
Russian Poet, 1895 - 1925

Okay this was his suicide note. I cannot expect less:)

By the way, are you guys ready for tomorrow?
WHAT TOMORROW?
hehehe. back to school, wake up you bum!
*slap me to reality*

I'm a certified pro. Procrastinator.
UP FAIR COUNTDOWN STARTS NOW.\m/

good night--,

WELCOME 2010!

2010-01-01T22:28:00.001+08:00

Okay, first post!

Let's start the year right^,~
This might be helpful for everyone..

God bless us all.

Desiderata

2010-01-01T01:27:00.000+08:00

2009 is almost over.

It's been one tough year- at least for me.
Yet I consider this as one of the most blessed.

I am wishing for the best:
For my calling and office.
My family.
My studies.
My friends.
My shortcomings.

And for this someone God has given me way beyond my prayers.
I love you twenty four hours a day, seven days a week:)

In few hours time, we will witness the dawning of 2010.
Let us set our spirits high and let all the unpleasant memories of the year gone by vanish along with it.

New Year. New Life. New YOU.
May we all have a blessed year ahead.

I so love these guys^,~
WALA LANG.
hehehe:)

Kick ass!

2009-12-29T03:00:00.000+08:00

"Bro" with Santino

Considering this as a source of consistent posting and reblogging these past few days, I might as well have joined the party. hehe. No matter how hard I try not to react, it all seems absurd and funny, with them putting a "muscle-fed" actor that looks more of ahmmmm. a porn star? ang harsh ko talaga. It's definitely a good thing that the exposure on TV limits only with the man's behind. But then the hell I know about porn movies, and the hell I care about whoever-it-is-to-play-the-fictitious-Bro, it's still a trying soap that's using the little boy's charm with the heavenly for pure entertainment.

HAPPY-ness^^

2009-12-29T01:00:00.000+08:00

I learned not fear infinity
The far field, the windy cliffs of forever
The dying of time in the white light of tomorrow
Then we fed the hearts on fantasies
The hearts grown brutal from the fare
More substance in our enmities
Than in our love..
"Love seeketh not itself to please
Nor for itself it has any care,
But to another it gives its ease
Then builds a Heaven in Hell's despair.."

I cannot explain the emotions I felt yesterday. (Dec. 27) MIXED I must say. Hmmm I dunno, life really makes unexpected turns. I wasted in the morning and then felt really happy in the afternoon. I had lunch with his family:) And as of now, it seems to me that all of my previous posts don't matter anymore.

Should I delete them? Must I? Must I?^^

But then if that is so, wala nang proof sa kapraning-an ko nitong mga nakaraang araw.

Enclosure my ass. hehe.

PS. The prose I posted, I don't remember where I got it, but I am certain it was during my HS days.

Enclosure

2009-12-26T19:07:00.001+08:00

All the time, I feel like I am an empty shell- devoid of life, with its contours breathing nothing but dead and hollow space.

I ponder deep with the thought of my enclosure, wondering why did I become such and how did I live the last few years of my life. I cannot remember the events and persons who contributed in this mishap. The only traces left in my being are the scars made invisible by tears and grief, I wept well that all of the bad memories were washed away, and I felt like I was a person born anew by healing.

And this was where it all started, from that day on, I learned to smile without any hint of happiness, and started to live with pretentions.

I feel bad when I am making a fool out of other people. Making them believe I am okay and telling them not to worry blah blah. It seems to me that they can see the pain in my eyes and yet they play to be blind, they don't give a damn. This makes things end up for me not to give a damn, either.

Much more so, until this time came and I discover..

I CANNOT TRUST anymore.

Still shots

2009-12-23T13:00:00.000+08:00

"Photography is a way of feeling, of touching, of loving. What you have caught on film is captured forever... it remembers little things, long after you have forgotten everything."

Courtesy of a friend, Genelle. ROCK ON SLR Kids^,~

Nobody, nobody but me.

2009-12-23T10:36:00.000+08:00

I appreciate the significant turns life has offered me these past few days..

that there can be no one else:

to help.
to understand.

Even the persons you wanted, you trusted, will bring you down.

Better keep the shame to yourself.

ALL HAIL NARCISSISM!

WE ARE THE CHANGE

2009-12-21T21:43:00.000+08:00

Of course, this had to be taken.
And this deserves a separate post.
kahit HAGGARDNESS,
& OUT OF FOCUS ANG CAM.

"Unleash the hero in you."
- Efren Peñalorida, 2009 CNN Hero of the Year

Now, to save myself from today's mishap, I've decided to post this pic.

Smile, Carmi, smile.

You got your hands shaken, your notebook autographed.
WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT?
hahahaha. gusto ko kasi talaga magkaron ng ganung shirt.

Long live Kuya Ef!

PS
mukha akong lalaki dito:')

Ill feelings

2009-12-21T21:14:00.000+08:00

WHY IN THE WORLD CAN'T YOU UNDERSTAND?
Could there be a chance to avoid parental wrath without having to sacrifice a little piece of my faith? And vice versa?

Of all the people.
I knew it. I always knew I cannot count on you.
I'm losing hope.

God, help me.
*prays*

I badly need to talk to Him,
and to him.
If you know who I mean.

Nostaglia

2009-12-17T16:55:00.000+08:00

"How many friend-to-friend times have we shared laughing? I mean really laughing, laughing until we can't talk, laughing until it hurts. Nothing else makes me feel so good in the same way. And I've never laughed as long or as hard with anyone else as I have with you. It's just a part of all we've shared."

I got this from a post card, and from the moment I read it, memories of my high school days came flooding down. Wish I could bring them back. I miss everyone:(

He is my state of mind.

2009-12-17T14:00:00.000+08:00

"Have faith".

--I will.

I'll never forget the ride earlier.
Never.
Ever.

WE ARE GROWING.

College is bringing the hell out of me.

2009-12-13T11:36:00.000+08:00

I feel really tired with all of these.

I hate disappointing my parents, but I hate it more when they are showing the very least support in my studies.

...

God, give me the inspiration.
*prays*

...

Okay, back to work. Just dropping by.
Till next time everyone.

Through the Crucibles

2009-11-30T20:34:00.000+08:00

"I'm gonna ride this plane,
out of your life again.."
And the words are yours to say,
They'll be enough to make me stay..
Let me mourn for our absence
A few more tears,
I wouldn't bother
But then who knows,
If this meant forever?
I'll die the most painful nights
But still live through the mornings
Only to remind myself-
We have had these lapses before
Like gaps in our breathing..
Hold me near, keep me close
In a place where memories never cease,
Where heavens bear and disgrace
A love so cruel that's strangled by mistakes..
When her fingers slip through yours,
I'll wish to take your other hand
And you won't ever have to choose
Between her and me, or whose love to lose..
I'll hang around, though cold and blue
As long as you want me to..

ooooops, EMO days are over:D (Dated May 09, 2009)

The Living Shadows

2009-11-27T16:44:00.000+08:00

I can see the wonders beyond his eyes- the dreams, the hopes, the future. We hold them in the palm of our hands, that everytime our fingers intertwine we can feel ourselves drifting in our sacred world, our own universe.

Photo taken at SM City North EDSA Annex.

Depth and Mother Tongue

2009-11-27T15:00:00.000+08:00

We don't read and write poetry because it's cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is full of passion. And medicine, law, business, engineering- these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love- these are what we stay alive for.

--Dead Poet's Society

More poems to come:)

It's Magic

2009-11-19T21:45:00.000+08:00

When we hold each other, in the darkness, it doesn’t make the darkness go away. The bad things are still out there. The nightmares are still walking. When we hold each other, we feel — not safe, but better. “It’s all right,” we whisper. “I’m here, I love you.” And we lie, “I’ll never leave you.” For just a moment or two the darkness doesn’t seem so bad. When we hold each other.

— Hellblazer #27: “Hold Me,” Neil Gaiman

I got this from Tumblr. cute and sweeeeeeeet:)

Within the Dying Embers

2009-11-18T02:12:00.000+08:00

The hours are breathing faint and low
We’re fading with the summer’s trail
Along with it, came the thing we know-
Raindrops had now prevailed..
Could there be a fear more fearful?
Than a night hurdled by storms
And you can do nothing but wait and shiver,
Knowing that someone sleeps alone..
Could there be a pain more painful?
Than a love stolen by time
And the world consumes all the hope to cheat
So you’ll just lose without the chance to fight..
Could we linger a little longer?
Before these days expire
Have faith in fate,
The waiting would be worth the time..
And if all else fails,
Count on the morning skies
I’ll draw the sun; I’ll paint your smile
For I’ll be the star that’ll solely shine..
Come and promise, take the pain away
Promise me your heart,
Don’t let it wander far astray..
We belong to you and me
There’s no place we’d rather be..

From among the poems I've written, I like this one best. (Dated June 05, 2009)

Baycats sweep off NAASCU’s consecutive title

2009-11-17T09:39:00.000+08:00

San Sebastian College Recoletos de Cavite is reliving the last year’s glory.

With eleven other teams revering their almost spotless 20-2 win-loss record, they won a second straight game in the best-of-three series of finals, hailing them as the season’s champ.

Baycats seemed to have the game under control if not for Hawks rookie Viernes, who hit a crucial trey by marking two free throws to trim the deficit and come up with a 83-all deadlock at the 0:43 mark of the fourth quarter. The attack sent Baycats the chillers, making them regain the poise in a seemingly confident 13-0 spread waste at the quarter’s midway. Much more so, both squads shared the disgrace by missing their final shots, sending the match into an overtime thriller.

Gracilla led the Baycats assault with his team-high 24 points, six of which were nailed in the extra period that triggered a 9-0 run with a Kris Lucernas assist, equally matched by a back-to-back three points from UM’s John Matubang at the 1:10 mark, 92-89.

However, the Cavite City-based troop had its mission accomplished and settled the scores into its final canto with the momentum of three consecutive baskets from Gracilla, Lucernas and Antipuesto. The showdown gave way to the concluding stretch at the expense of UM’s disappointment, who was hoping for a rare grand slam with Junior and Women’s divisions crown in their grasp.

During the brief awarding ceremony, Baycats’ Junjun Gracilla was hailed as the season’s Most Valuable Player along with his teammate Kris Lucernas, UM’s John Matubang, STI’s Gerald Bautista and Lyceum’s Jessie James Collado to complete the mythical five. Chosen Rookie of the Year was Jeff Alvin Viernes of UM. Baycats’ mentor Edgar Macaraya, voted as the Coach of the Year, also expressed his joy for the triumph, by steering again the troop to the title after their successful win over STI Olympians last year.

Here's my first article, minus all the others I have edited. It's not that much, but I AM happy about it:) Okay I had to remove the 's' in the sweep off though, my editor gave me a tough time for it! haha. I thought that Baycats are considered as a singular entity since they are a team, but obviously..:)

Seizing Survival

2009-11-13T17:44:00.000+08:00

2009. How swift the time must be for me. It seems like the olden days are still existing, the memories too vivid, waiting to spring from loose notes any moment. I try to decipher them out of my mind- the bliss of my adolescence, the brief affairs of my youth, the collection of past mistakes, the regrets- everything I thought that would fall worthy or unworthy of such remembrance, as if they were a code carrying some hidden messages.

For the past seventeen years, I could hardly recall most of what I had done. Sometimes, in order for me to stay at the track of time I count backwards, yesterday then the days before it, the past year then the years before it, always with the same hope that the memories will become more and more recent in my grasp. I must say, the attempt for me is a struggle itself: there had been in fact, a vague account of events inside my head. I couldn’t remember when the happiest and saddest days were or if there had been any of the two in a week, or which feeling would fit in the days and months and years after I started to comprehend with my emotions. Maybe I remember so little and so poorly for the things I considered to be less important. Happiness could pass in a blur; sadness could escalate through a series of outbursts. But there had always been one thing for us humans, the only thing that would always remain when everything has left; carved to the core of our bones, etched at the scrapes of our skin. And for me, this is the thing which would always make me remember- pain.

I promised that I would shy away from speaking or thinking of it again. I don’t know. Maybe because I fear that the scar might once again bleed and I might spend the rest of eternity mending the wounds I have stitched, and it will be like I’m greeting an old friend I had been refusing to entertain. But the harder the avoidance, the greater the pain felt. Sometimes my dreams are bombarded with this disillusionment; the reluctance of truth seems to be the reason that the hurt becomes too real. I had been in love for quite too many times now. And for quite too many times, I cried. I fumed with anger. I neglected life. These were the darkest days, when despair nourished my soul and I found refuge in silence. Every circumstance was different though, there was when I let go of someone for decreasing love, one for my parents’ intervention, then for the prohibitions of faith. Each blow has its own wound, and I feel like I was bruised upon and riddled through like a Swiss cheese. I’ve shed a fair share of tears for the damages, and only then did I realize that those were accountable for the lack of maturity I had. Then I became selfish and ambitious. Insecurities made me one. People around were so good I want to die.

Years passed, gloom faded with the summers’ spree and just like any other human, I moved on. But more importantly: I did grow up.

My regrets turned into a grateful slate, as if all of them were not mine anymore. All the while I found out that I had been holding them with so much bitterness until they had become grudges that weakened my breathing. I learned to let them go, and I lived again with hopeful oxygen and things were over for me. As simple as that. I wish I practiced the simple routine of inhaling acceptance and exhaling remorse in the past, when I did not complicate these matters at my expense.

Whatever fate has brought into my life, it has always been a friend of mine. Most of the time it left me wounded and helpless, only to make me see the beauty of every scar, the traces bound to be remembered for the rest of my lifetime, that once during the trying times, I was a weak girl who fought tooth and nail for something I believed in. And it was love. The thing which they thought to be worth enduring the torment after all.

Pain is my being now- despite my poor memory it lingers somewhere in the outskirts of my emotions, unforgotten, and I will be forever grateful in speaking from the vantage of it, it’s as if this writing enables me to disclose a certain piece of my soul. Avoiding pain is remembering pain, no matter how hard you evade, there’s nowhere to escape. Cowardice will only make one suffer, but facing it will open your eyes that it is a cycle of life: when you hide from it you’ll be trapped, then a new kind of pain comes and you notice that there was too much to bear. And things are incomparably hard to manage.

But within bravery lies the freedom and acceptance, whenever I think of pain right now I conduce it as something valuable above all the sentiments, for it is something I have learned to master. Perhaps the hardest days are yet to come, I still cannot say that it will be easy, not without God’s grace and faith, for I nurture myself with the notion that..

Pain did not make me stronger, but less vulnerable.

WTF.

2009-11-04T10:37:00.000+08:00

SEMBREAK.

After all, I haven't stopped hoping that I would just get over the previous semester. And pretend like everything's fine, like I didn't mess up with the responsibilities and activities taking course in my career.

Sad to say, things aren't supposed to go that way.

Reality bites. Reality sucks.

And I just have to live with it.

Bro. Eraño G. Manalo, 1925-2009

2009-09-08T02:25:00.000+08:00

I’ve never seen the Church in such a state: some are crying, many of us, weeping. For the past seventeen years I ponder the faith I grew up with- the things I believe in and people I know by heart. So great is this grief, that within the years of his leadership I never got the chance, and will never get the chance, to see him alive.

September 1, 2009. Tuesday.

I woke up just to find myself in the midst of tears. I got dressed and saw the first faces around, they were weary with troubled stares. I asked one of my roommates why, “Wala na raw ang Ka Erdy” and I knew in that instant, my peaceful morning’s anticipation had become a history. Disbelief was the initial feeling, just like everyone who has heard the first news from the word of mouth. I prepared for school and the commotion still didn’t stop. It was absurd for me, to believe something out of text messages that were mostly unconfirmed and untrue. As I was sojourning the familiar path I gathered all the hope I could muster, that perhaps this was one of the flaws from a reliable source. I saw the receptionists, the guards, the students making their way through the empty crowd, I felt the gloomy atmosphere exuded even when I arrived at school, everywhere I turned, everything I saw verified the fear, and long before I stepped onto the room, the last piece of strength fainted, and tears broke down.

Sadness came flooding through my system and I thought of the suddenness of the news. I was never aware of him, sick, though he was always a substance of my prayers. My classmates and I sat in silent reflection, contemplating the loss of the Church and everything Ka Erdy has contributed. He has deeply touched not only the brethren’s lives but shown utmost care for the nation’s morality. He is a remarkable leader, a father to everyone and a mover of faith- these are the great things in which he wanted to be remembered for. But above all these, he has brought the Church far more closer to God, sacrificing his whole life for the calling and duty. I was moved with my own thought, that everytime he prays for the Church he prayed for more than a million brethren, a million strangers that would include me and my family. Now that the time has come for him to rest, everyone seemed to be asking the same thing.. ”What’s next for the Church?”

2nd Entry: A Major Disaster

2009-08-20T19:13:00.000+08:00

hey hey it's been a while.
i almost forgot the password. lol.
hmmm just dropping by and hoping by next time I'd be able to fix this nonsense.
keep safe, everyone^^

Blog Launching^^

2009-08-07T16:08:00.000+08:00

Finally, I really am a blogger now!:)

Too bad, I have no one to celebrate with.
I've been busy these past few days so just watch out for the next post.

God Bless everyone.