Today

The sin of oversleeping.

The joy of camaraderie.

The frustrations of love.

The warmth of family.

The assurance of faith.

The mistake of procrastination.

The refuge of books.

The peace of music.

Today, I give in.

But tomorrow, I will falter.

Eleven Kinds of Loneliness

One thing's for sure: I won't be able to give justice to this book in this post. I feel the need to, of course, because all the while I feel like I owe Richard Yates something. All of those who read it must have surely felt the same way.

So, I will try instead, in all my capability, to tell how this book touched me. In one way or another.

This is the first time I read Yates, and probably this is one of the first books I touched since Game of Thrones. That was an awesome time I spent with an epic series, but I needed a break.

I decided to finish it in one sitting, but almost halfway through, in the end of the fifth story, I set the book down, stared at nothing in a couple of minutes and said to myself, Man, this is terrible. But I have to go on reading. One story after the next. Until I succumbed (after a constant deliberation that one book in two days in this 8-5 or so job won't simply work), in pity to myself, to one story a day. So, I finished it more or less than a week.

The book is obviously sad, and tragic, with stories woven from the lives of normal people trapped in the corners of their own misery. They hide under the bushes of their authority, own pride, confidence and age, because no, they don't go on whining about how lonely they are in the world. Loneliness is an understatement, as Yates have intended it to be. He captures moments in their lives- they last for a few hours, a fortnight, a few days, weeks, months, and for Builders' (the 11th story) case, even years.

From among the eleven stories, I'd pick the third, Jody Rolled the Bones. The story itself lacks any emotional figures, only a bunch of army guys who are supposed to be soldiering in the camp and their platoon sergeant, Sergeant Reece. Yes, you're right. Reece is the bad guy who freaks out on untied shoelaces and probably sends you to the ground with a hundred of push-ups for every clumsy response he gets. But we all know that the army works that way (and worse). Until the camp sends out Reece for some reason and puts a more sociable sergeant in his place. These stupid bunch of guys are happy at first, of course, until they see the difference.

But into the heart of the story, you see lonely Sergeant Reece coping behind the stern grace of his face. You won't see him, but he's there. And I truly understand the army guys as well, for wanting to reach out, because life in the camp is lonely. But it could bring all the difference in the world if they wake up on a training day from a night spent in a dinghy beerhouse, with Sergeant Reece pouring their cups, in low or high spirits muttering something about his daughter's life, or maybe, how that waitress' skirt would have been better if it was an inch shorter.

"It meant, I guess, that at the end of our training cycle the camp delivered up a bunch of shameless little wise guys to be absorbed into the vast disorder of the Army, but at least Reece never saw it happen, and he was the only one who might have cared."

They are characters with a lot of inhibitions. As are many of us, when we are caught in this kind of setting. We want to know more, and could not. We brood over what might have been, and shrug it off afterwards. And we choose to live with shame, as a consolation, and just be content that sometimes, things are just made that way.

Further into the book and the heavier you get. It won't make you cry. Yates is simply plumbing down into your chest as you go on to the next. Deeper and deeper, but without pain. Only holes. Upon closing the book, there's this sudden gush that will sweep through you. For a moment or two, you'll try to think about it. Then suddenly, it will come. It was about you. It was about the people you know: your bully classmate, your professor, your boss, your ex-boyfriend, the lunatic in your subdivision, probably one of your neighbors, your father. And about the strangers you happened some time in your life.

If I were an outsider, I probably would have asked. What are the eleven kinds of loneliness? But no, I am not, not anymore. And I didn't dare to point out whatever it is in each story. I could have guessed, but I chose not to. In respect to Richard Yates, and for the love I bear him now.

Loneliness is just brushing against our skin in every minute. Sometimes, we give in to it, sometimes, we are caught unaware.

But we shiver all the same.

Panic Buying (?)

This week's haul. Partly because the week was terrible I needed to keep my sanity intact. And well, of course, because I love. Books. Er.

The week was so terrible. And I mean it difficult, with all the drama and mistakes. If not for them, these, I have no idea what I could have done. Seriously. One of the worst weeks ever. And seriously, that deserves a separate post.

The week was so terrible but I decided that it ended well. Because lucky, I was. I found Yates and Mowat lying just around the corner of that secondhand bookshop. I finally bought The Sandman Volume 1: Prelude and Nocturnes, and did not care how much. Only a few days after, I found Yates and Mowat again, in a different place but in a same shelf. So I thought, OMG life is good, after all. HAHA! Babaw lang. :)

All I have to do is read them all. But starting could be terrible, too.

Bring it on!

How can a stupid cellphone ruin a friendship?

It's when it falls on the owner's hands. More like.

The issue is all but troubling. With the threats of ending a friendship just like that. Like, when someone hits the send button disclaiming himself from the group, does he think everyone will gladly accept?

Really, it's been a long time since someone angered me like this. I am so upset.

Let me tell you, I tried to take it the other way. To be understanding for friendship's sake. I tried not to ignore the calls, and occasionally replied to his messages.

But what he did was too much. Even ridiculous to the point of indigestion. Since he got his hands on a cellphone recently, he brought no good to everyone. He kept on texting and calling even when we're busy with our lives, like, when we're in the middle of classes or work.

Granted, maybe he's having a hard time on his own. Maybe all he needed was someone to talk to.

But maybe this person lacks concept of individuality and personal space, too.

You might ask, what good of me as a friend to refuse him of the comfort he needed? What good were the years spent together to be thrown away like that? I admit, I am not the friend one would wish to have, but I know I can be good. And I know the limitations.

I'm sorry for the bad words I said, but I am not sorry I got mad. 

I just hope you would understand that, and please, don't be so shallow next time around. No one here is a perfect friend. Even a perfect friend can't be there every single time. We didn't mean to leave you. You go figure out things on your own.

Everyone here is struggling just as you do.

Jumpstart

Happy New Year!

As much as I want to start the year right, I must admit that the past few days have been a turmoil. My head is literally a mess right now, well, as every year-ender evokes a lot of thinking, a lot of reminiscing and if not, a little bit of regretting. Rewind three hundred sixty seven days and you find yourself awestruck by how fast the time has gone and how so many things have happened. But really, how well did we fare?

My 2011 was life-changing. This year, I got my college degree, did a little bit of waiting before finally finding a decent job. I am working for seven months now, while I enjoy the pleasures of travelling and salary, I still miss school. In fact, I miss school sooooooooooooo much. There were moments when I seemed to make up my mind, that I would quit my job and enroll for a language course (as a part of my birthday plan). It was so tempting I nearly lost control. I wish I can be a student forever. Anyway, I can sum up the year's happening with just three: I made a lot of plans, went through adjustments and felt a bit of frustration. But at least, 2011 has been pretty good to me, and for that, I can never be thankful enough.

Sure, there were things to leave and things to keep, and hooray for the new year, we can do whatever business we ought to do. Now is the chance for a major overhaul. The OC inside me tells that I should clear my mind first before sorting out the mess (and I mean: my things, clothes and shenanigans) I made the past year. So, here again is a list. I resist calling them resolutions, should I call them plans? To do's this 2012? Ah, whatever. Shoot.

1. Pray every night. Of course, I do pray for meals and the day's journey, but as of late, my night's prayers have become much shorter. I must find time to reflect like I used to, and I mean really reflect, and this I can do with a willpower to overcome the fatigue that knocks me out everyday.

2. Read classics. Read the unpopular. I have been accustomed to buy books of mere popularity- just because I saw them on my friend's page or heard they were good. Worse, my readership has relied too much on TV and movies. Yah know what I mean.

I do not count the number of books and/or how well the authors are known to measure how readers be judged readers enough. Not so long ago, I stumbled upon Sasha Martinez's blog (silverfysh.wordpress.com), and I was amazed  by how she can pull off several books a month and review them thoroughly. I am not even worth her toenail when it comes to being a reader. Her authors' names were strangers to me, and strangers still, so I guess, this year, I must visit secondhand bookshops more often.

3. Soulsearch. Again. This has been my greatest fear: my current job is starting to show its constraints and I am either to tolerate it or find a new one. The latter I hate to do, but the signs were clear, it was as if the whole universe is conspiring. I love the job, no doubt, and still believe it to be one of the awesomest jobs in the world, but right now I am very confused. I need to think about it over, a hundred or even a thousand of times if possible, or else, regrets.

4. Reach out. And make new friends. The truth is, I am unlikely to invest on friendship. Sure, there were nice folks who I got to see every day or every week and there were old friends to keep, but I wasn't used to initiating. The friends I have, they were the ones who I was/am affiliated with or connected to, not the ones who I started to smile at or talk to about certain personal issues. Most of the time, I just go with the flow. It took me several beatings before I finally realized that there were people who I thought were non-existent, when in fact, they were never an arm's reach away. Supladita ang datingan, teh? I hope I was not that snob, I have the tendency to stuck it out with the people I am most comfortable with, while, yes, completely ignoring the others. I am very sorry.

5. Write. And I mean really write, and pour my heart and soul into a piece of paper until it has become a masterpiece of its own. Ironic it may seem, but my thoughts were often driven by negative emotions. It feels as though when I am sad or heartbroken, I find it easier to vent out my sentiments creatively. These days, I can say I am neither of the two, and there is no lack of inspiration. There is love all around me- a seemingly good motivation to create words, but I just....can't. I don't know what went wrong, and I am eager to find that small person inside me before it's too late. Before I cannot write anymore.

Wow, that was wordy. In case you haven't slept reading, bear with me for a few more minutes.

Suffice it to say that every new year gives a chance to live a new life. You can think it's bull when I say that "let us all be better persons this year", the mantra having been repeated a hundred of times by a certain billion of people every January 1. But, why not? Even pessimists claim that it won't hurt to be positive even for just a certain short period of time. Who knows, it might even last for the whole year round, right?

How about you, guys? Are you feeling hopeful this 2012? :)

Holiday wishlist

Hi there!

Sorry if I've been MIA lately again. In addition to the super hectic schedule, I must admit, I was too lazy to write. As in, soooooooooooooooo lazy to think of anything besides travel and work. Seriously, what is me?

Anyhow, the only thing that kept me sane was the weekends. There's nothing more than I could ask for today than the awesome job, but I thank God I can still have weekends. I might turn monstrous if I don't get to spend them with my family, friends, loved one and favorite book. Chances are, I can hurt someone if I don't get a break from all the stress this holidays. LOL. I just don't want to end the year with my ~super~ haggard self.

Since everyone's coming up with their own wishlist and I can't think of anything to write about, here's mine:

1. Oxfords / brogues

For quite a few weeks now, I've been itching to buy a nice pair from Ichigo (theirs are the best!), but my size was always out of stock in their branch at Glorietta. Boo! There is no way for me to go to the other branches in Greenhills and Shangrila with my schedule and I am not very fond of online shopping, so kind hearts can give me any of these. Size 8 or 9 will do. HAHA! :)

2. MAC Diva

I am already receiving MAC Morange as a gift (thank you, generous relatives!) but I swore I want this as my 7th tube! If you know me personally, I am not really the vain type, but I can't deny that I am fond of cosmetics.

However, I have this misguided belief that only beautiful persons are entitled to excessive display of vanity. I mean, I believe that everyone is beautiful in his/her own way pero sabi ko nga wala nang basagan ng trip di ba? hehe Hypocrisy has me when I say I don't take vanity pictures at all. In fact, I do, but they are mostly for keeps. :)

3. Fujifilm Instax Mini

Despite the digital advancement, I can say that Polaroid didn't go out of the limelight. Sure, there are pros and cons, but it would be so nice to own a point and shoot camera with instant pictures to boot. :)

4. Red Moleskine

Since I forget things easily, this would be a big help. Sometimes, out of nowhere, a thought would just pop in my head, and I am ~super~ ngarag to write it down. Even after a split second that it's gone, it is too hard for me to remember anymore. Anyway, why Moleskine? Wala lang. HAHAHA! :)

5. NatGeo Books of a Lifetime

Man, give me any of these and I'm the happiest girl! There are no words to express how much I love NatGeo (hello, ambition), so imagine my smile, then, when I saw these awesomeness. While my current job permits me to go to places, there is no greater dream for me than to travel THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD. I don't care if it's a few years from now or when I'm already old and grey, I can wait. Our planet is just too wonderful to be maltreated. NatGeo inspires us all to care for it, and it's never too late. :)

There you go. Some of these are really pricey, so I understand if I receive nothing at all. What is more important is the spirit of the season. As for me, just like any of you, I'm spending quality time with my loved ones. If I'm not at home reading Game of Thrones or watching Koreanovelas, I'm probably out there with friends and boyfriend. I am just too grateful that I have more than a week of vacation. :)

Happy holidays!

Photos from:
tyfashion.blogspot.com
yah-rly.blogspot.com
skinmakeup.org
polaroidph.com
ipresents.co.uk
shop.nationalgeographic.com

In flight

Outside, there was nothing but sky. Nothing but clouds. It feels as though we can drift with them forever. And we’ll be as light as feather. We’ll walk on cotton, we’ll stumble side by side with your hand in mine.. We can live here, you know. The horizon stretches on and on, to infinity and beyond. As far as the eyes can see and as deep as the longing that makes me wish you were here sitting next to me.